Let go

"We're going to have to let you go."

That's what you want to hear from a policeman when you've been caught red-handed, or from your parents on prom night when that gorgeous girl finally accepted your invitation, or from a fisherman after you-a beautiful rainbow trout-were caught by his favorite dry fly and getting dangerously close to a future in a frying pan. It's not what you want to hear from you boss, in the middle of a global financial crisis, five thousand miles from home, when what you're being "let go" from is what many would consider at most, to be a dream job and at the least, a pretty sweet gig to occupy your time before going onto the next adventure. It gets no better when that next adventure needs to be determined within the next four days at which time you're made to leave your home, food and friends for.... well, it doesn't matter where you go, you just can't stay here.

You can imagine my sense of nervousness as I pieced together places to stay for days at a time, only days in advance. I stayed up later, I slept in longer, started reading more, thinking more, worrying more. Not that it was necessarily necessary. I was taken care of. A good friend who lives near where I worked said I could stay the whole week if I needed it. I would have been completely lost without him. Thank you Zola. Before long, as the news spread across the creek, my friend in Wales offered to share his dorm room for a few days while I figured out where I was going next. Thanks Jonny.

To fill you in, I'd been helping out with a holiday company in the French Alps. A usual day was spent with breakfast and a morning prayer meeting and then usually cleaning rooms and making beds until lunch at which time we had a few hours to go hit the ski slopes before coming back to the chalet to prepare for dinner. I quickly became a star player in the after-dinner dishwashing and could usually be found there or in the kitchen while dinner was being served to the guests. My co-workers were a young bunch from England who were full of energy-too much energy sometimes-but easy to get along with and people who I hope to keep in touch with in the future. Thanks guys, you know who you are.

I had hoped to move to Paris with Olivier when he got an apartment, however everyone is looking for an apartment these days and he ended up sharing a house with some others. I could come for a visit but staying for a long period of time or looking for work would be out of the question. Olivier tried his hardest to make something work for me, but in the end, some things just don't turn out the way you thought they would. (Terimah kasih banyak Olivier!) When you pray for guidance you shouldn't be upset when doors begin to close in your face. Some are closed before you walk into the room, others are closed after you've been pushed out of them. But sometimes, the easiest way to make a decision is to decide what I don't want to do, or what I can't do. Then it's easier to focus on what is possible. Guidance.

In Singapore I remember writing in my journal that I was anxious to get to Latin America. I wasn't concerned with Europe and was in fact willing to bypass it altogether in order to be eating gallo pinto and listening to reggaeton all the sooner. However, I was still holding on to Europe. I was holding onto working, holding onto another ski season and holding onto another continent, another language and another year abroad. The longer I stayed in France, the further I'd have to wait to get to South America. Perhaps the doors have properly closed, perhaps it's time to move on, perhaps it's my time to let go of some of my small desires in order to fulfill my larger ones. So this is me, let go, and letting go.